The cycle of self-destruction

Hello all!

Firstly I want to thank Elizabeth for her really kind comment. I means a lot to know that you who read my blog actually generally care about me, as I do you. It filled my heart with warmth knowing that your prayers are with me (believe me I really need them!).

Sounds like you need some encouragement. So here goes: whatever you are going through, the Lord has His eyes on you. He adores you and is working things out for your very best. Sunny day tomorrow, rain or shine. Sunny because you are so loved and treasured by Jesus. He has very specific things for you to do: lives to help and touch with a positive word or two, or a need to give for. Sleep well tonight. His angels encamp around you, ministering to and protecting you. His Holy Spirit speaking to you even while you sleep. Your life is full, meaningful and important to Him!!

Be blessed! – Elizabeth

I have been gone for a little while, without posting to you guys and I just hope it hasn’t affected my blog. I have been feeling a little down in the dumps and my motivation for writing, reading and researching went to none. My days have consisted of me being in bed, playing sims, eating occasionally going to work and nothing else. It’s funny how without motivation, time is completely wasted. Time that you cannot get back.

I have an issue with this, as I am sure we all do. The minute I start to improve anything in my life, after a little while, it is as if I go into self-destruction mode. Something inside me is switched of, I become a zombie/hermit, unable to function properly. My diet, exercise, goals and aspirations go flying out of the window, and my mind is a stuck record reminding me or rather deceiving me of all the things that I really am I am not…

The anger, anxiety, pain, frustration, depression oh and did I mention ANGER come flooding back. And in order for me to compose myself, I hide in a deep pit within my mind, with only the ability to do tasks that require no thought (tis a good job that my job doesn’t require much thought to get done).

And when I am finally ready to come out of the pit, I am left with an over whelming feeling of regret because I gave into the cycle, anger because I broke my promise to myself AGAIN, and frustration because I feel like I will never break free of this self-destructive cycle! But I am realising that the more I return to the deep pit, the more anger is building up inside me. And it scares me because I remember how I was (a calm and collected person) to how I am now (a not so calm and collected person).

I know that I only have to spend time with God and he will rid me of these chains, but I can’t do it. I find myself unable to even touch a bible nowadays. I struggle to even say his name. I feel like I cannot face him. I keep telling myself I will read the bible later, but of course I don’t. And now I just feel helpless.

Seriously helpless.

But for now I am out of the cycle, and for now I will blog again and read, and exercise and eat healthily. And for now I will be OK. And in this OK state I will enjoy it, as much as I can, until the next time…

Thanks for reading

God bless

DD x

 

P.S. I find it funny how straight after, I cast my vote, and decide I want to be a follower of Christ whole heartedly and come out of this world, the pit drags me in. Coincidence? I think not.