We all have those moments where darkness seems to surround us and it feels like there is no escape. Those moments where you feel that it would be better if life ended just to get out of this misery. Sometimes those moments come without any real reason, is just
unwanted unexpected company. Other times those moments are fully explained by life and how cruel it can be. But it does happen to us all, throughout our life time. One thing I do know is that, though it pains me, I want it to stay, because it is what I feel I deserve…
-Is the darkness that surrounds us, though it is not tangible, it is all so real. I have had issues with that darkness from a very young age. Not in a clinical sense, but in a hidden sense.
I looked through my old journal and found a poem I wrote whilst I was having one of those episodes. It has reminded me that even though the darkness hurts so much, I know God is right there with me. And even though I try to make it my “companion”, and beckon it to stay. Jesus is my comforter and my stronghold.
I wrote the poem on the 10th of July 2009. It’ a little abstract, but this is what I was feeling back then. And that’s the thing about depressive episodes, there is no coherence in the pain, until we focus on God and not ourselves.
Loving, caring, quiet and peaceful. That’s how I used to be when I was in primary school.
Innocent, pure, obedient and truthful. Those were the qualities that followed me in high school.
I wasn’t like the rest; I was different I’m sure. Until I started to change and become impure.
So violent and raging, a liar, a cheat. The devil got inside me and would not fleet.
I’m drowning, I’m drowning, I’m gasping for air. But he holds me under until I give in. I’m there.
He teaches me to lie, to be sexy and devious. But then becomes unstoppable, I’m somehow mischievous.
I do things unthought-of, never dreamt of doing. I’m dirty, disgusting, I’m giving myself to him.
I think I like it at first, then I look into my heart. My brain says to do it, but my heart says STOP!
I try to stop but he won’t let me go. I ask God for help, but when he does I say no.
I can’t believe how changed I am, I’m broken inside. I’m hurting, I’m crying, I’ve been stabbed with a knife.
My partner tries to help me, but fails in his mission. I feel God has left me, but it’s him telling me he has, Satan.
I give my partner pictures, to make him happy, to seduce. But I thought one would be enough, but I was wrong, no use.
I’m crying out for help, but another problem follows. I let my partner touch me, now I feel so hollow.
Every time we do it, he knows I’m crying inside. I regret every minute of it, but he can’t see past my eyes.
After all it happens, I cry for hours and days. But his pleasure won’t let him stop, he just makes it look dazed.
He’s supposed to love me truly; he’s meant to hate to see me hurt. But when we do the stuff, he seems to forget the pain and hurt.
The devil’s laughing at me, he says “they’ll find out sooner or later”. He says, “if you don’t then I will and it’ll be sooner rather than later”.
So this is to you Lord, I’m begging on my knees. Please take me out of this crisis, I’m turning into a disease.
I hate what I am, I’m longing for what I were. My family thinks I’m there, but I’m crying for evermore.
So Lord please help, I have no-one left today. I’m sorry for all I’ve done, I know I’ve hurt you in every way.
Please Lord take my hand, tell me I’ll do better in time. Tell me you’ll be there every day; tell me I’ll be fine.
Put your arms around me, surround me with your love. Put your love into me, protect me with your glove.
Teach me your bible, make me understand. Forgive me Lord and please forget, let me hold your hand.
Make me trust my all to you, make me lose all fear. Tell me no when I am wrong, make me so I hear.
I’m so afraid of what I’ve done, that you’ll put me with the rest. But I will grow if you love me Lord, don’t let me die, just rest.
So that was my poem. I believe I was 15 years old when I wrote it. Just goes to show, young or old, we all have our down moments. But that is all they are, moments in time. And though sometimes I want to stay low as a punishment, the moments of happiness bring rationality and I am reminded of how great life can be without the darkness. I am reminded of how great it feels to embrace the light.
Thanks for reading.